I’ve never been one to stay within the lines. If there’s a loophole, or something is vaguely defined, you’d better believe I’m running with it.
Whenever you hear people talk about what they would do differently, if given a second chance at life, one theme seems to come up quite often.
If only I knew then, what I know now.
I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving around and the truth is, I wouldn’t want to have any additional or valuable information. I’d get my heart broken, my hopes shattered, and my dreams destroyed every. single. time.
Don’t get me wrong, in no way would I want to relive any of those moments but if I knew something that would help me curve that pain, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’m guarded because I’ve had my heart broken. I had to grow up way too soon and on my own, so I’m independent. Growing up, I didn’t always have the same luxuries as others, so I became resourceful. I was picked on, so I grew a thick skin.
The point is, that every single event, relationship, experience in my life has led me to this current version of me.
I’m not the same person I was when I quit my job a year ago. Hell, I’m not even the same person I was when I decided to turn my side hustle into a legitimate business.
The thing is, I’m in a rut. A nasty, lonely, in increasingly frustrating, hell of a rut. Professionally. Personally. Mentally. I don’t do well with stress so I ignore it. I see it coming my way, swerve, and then put it on the shelf for a rainy day. But after so many instances of doing that, the shelf is going to give.
Someone get some reinforcements, cuz this shelf’s going down.
Three days ago, I was in the shower after a gym session and washing (or so I thought) away the day. The shower is usually where I can leave all my frustrations and come out clean. Physically and mentally lol. However, this time I only got madder when I got out. Caught myself and tried to curve it.
Next day, same buildup. I figure I’ll go work it out. Sweating it out should do it. Nope. I made it to the parking lot before the tears started welling up. There was no way I was about to be the woman crying in the parking lot so in I went.
As I walked along at a measly pace on the treadmill, I’d had enough. What was going on with me?
When I was 22, I was super involved in church. There was an annual convention in Colombia…
There was an annual convention and spoiler alert, I went. However, I have no idea nor recollection of where the above text was going. The post above was from a DRAFT I started in June 2017 that I never finished or posted.
I was in a rut. Stressed, frustrated, lost, hopeless, you name it. I had just moved from a super swanky condo back into my moms until I could find a new spot. My business was in a rut and as a result, my depression got worse. Instead of working through it, I retreated. See, depression affects everyone differently. For me personally, I lose all motivation and energy to do even the simplest of tasks. Like I mentioned above, I don’t deal with stress well and will ignore it which causes my depression to get worse which then gives me more stress to ignore. It’s a horrible spiral. However, let me fill you in on something, I got better. I moved. Twice. Business picked up. In fact, I made more this first quarter than I did all of last year.
I cannot stress the following enough: TRUST. YOUR. STRUGGLE.
Running a business is hard. Working for yourself is hard. Having no one to pin the blame on when you don’t have enough to make rent is hard. It’s not for everyone. Nor do I suggest everyone quit their day job to follow their dreams (see follow-up post for more on this.) On that same note, I don’t in any way think that every struggling business will eventually do a 180.
There is no steadfast rule to freelancing, no one-size-fits-all mantra everyone can follow for success. You have to know yourself completely and be honest with yourself. What are your true intentions? Are you trying to make a quick buck, stick it to the man, or do you truly believe this is what you are meant to do?
I have always pushed myself because I know that no matter what I will grow. The struggle will shape me and I will walk away with experience and knowledge I wouldn’t have otherwise attained.
I’m posting the above not to show that I’m tre successful now. Quite the contrary, I share it to show that I struggle, sometimes more than I’d like. But it gets better, it always does.
So cheers to Jen 6.0 and every version of myself that comes after this. I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to this version and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the version after.
P.S. If you guys haven’t seen the latest video of Maxine Waters reclaiming her time you need to. If for no other reason than to aspire to be as unapologetic for being yourself and demanding that you be shown the same respect as others.